Why...

Why is it the ones that you love with all your heart hurt you the most? Hillary and I got into this huge fight this morning. I haven't cried that hard in a long time. I love her with all my heart and how can she just say such cold and hurtful things with everything I have done for her and have given up? I don't understand. I don't think I ever will..........

One OF those DAYS...

Yesterday was such a strange, weird, annoying day! I got the kids off to school and had to go pick up some make up. I then came home and just hung out around the house. I really wasn't in any kind of mood but I knew it wasn't going to be good for some reason. I am tired of winter already! I hate the gray dreary day. Its too cold to do anything but run to my van and then run back in. I guess the day really started to annoy me when Dan got off early and was home around 1:30. My house was a mess. When I have days like this I usually do nothing and then at 2 speed clean so it LOOKS like I had something done. But he came home early... which ANNOYED me to know end. And he was telling me stupid stories that quite frankly I was in no mood for. I told him to take a nap or something because he was bugging me. He decided to go to a friends house instead. So its time to get Ethan from school and Dan still isn't home. What I would give to just go to a friends house some days instead of picking up Ethan from school. I felt that the school day wasn't long enough yesterday. I picked Ethan up and he got in the car and started firing questions at me. Like he waited ALL day to ask. I love my son but sometimes 8 year olds ask the strangest things. You try to answer but they keep firing question after question and QUESTION. Just STOP you want to yell but I don't. I could tell that bed time couldn't get here fast enough. We got thru homework with tears (why does homework always end up in tears... no idea). Oh Dan comes home right when homework is starting and declares he needs a nap! WHAT!!?? A NAP?? Why do I always have to be the one to do homework? Supper came along AND then the sullen teenager came home. You can always tell if the teenager had a bad day EVERYONE is going to feel the tension and THAT BAD DAY! She walked in the house and everyone knew it. We all ended up eating supper in silence. I will post about her boy problems another day another time. That is a whole other can of worms! So we finally got thru the evening. Hillary wasn't speaking to me ... I told her to go to bed early and I really didn't want to see her the rest of the night. Ethan is going thru one of his PHASES and can't sleep thru the night and ends up with me. I am sorry but I loved snuggling with my 2, 3 or even 4 year old... .8 year old.. NOT SO MUCH! I finally got to lay down and then the GUILT kicked in. I don't think I was very nice to anyone today. I could tell I wasn't going to have a good night but what can you do? I can't just leave. I can't just say ..sorry everyone I am in a MOOD and you are all on your own. SO instead of giving myself a time out I took it out on everyone (well not Hillary..she had her own attitude problems). How could I be such a WITCH to my babies??? I felt so bad that I vowed I would leave them today with a kind word if it killed me. Ethan fired questions at me as soon as he got up and I just told him that my brain couldn't function and we would GOOGLE them later. Hillary was still being a little PITA but I told her I loved her and to have a good day at school (thru clenched teeth no less). I felt better when they left so I went shopping. Shopping cures EVERYTHING! I just needed to spend some money. Today after school Ethan came home and I told him lets just lay down and talk and cuddle. It was nice! He is a great kid ..just in that annoying stage right now. I told them today I was sorry for being in such a bad mood. I just wanted them to know... its okay to not be the PERFECT mom you are SUPPOSED to be and its okay!!

I can breathe...

Today was our trip to the doctor. Hillary was in a good mood which is always a plus. We had to have another x-ray. When we went in the room I noticed a doctor who was young and in passing it was our doctor. Hillary noticed, too. He came in and the first thing he said was he wanted us to know that he was a basketball player in high school, too. He showed us what was wrong. Basically a bone is just floating in her finger. He said that since it happened so long ago he would have to do surgery this week in order to fix it. But he asked Hillary where her heart was. Hillary said she just wanted to play. She worked hard for this chance and she didn't want to lose it now because of her finger. He told us if we did nothing then she would always have that bump there and her nail would always be discolored. He said when she was our age she would probably experience arthritis in it. He asked if she could live with that and she said she would. He said okay. He wanted her back every 3 weeks until he could see it healing. She asked about softball. He said there is no reason why she couldn't play. She was afraid that she would have to give it up and run track. He said that he could tell she was very dedicated to her sports and she would make any coach very proud of her. He asked how she was doing and we told him she was averaging about 10 pts a game. And he said great. He had a special split made for her. She was wearing your normal metal split that covered her whole finger. Now she has a plastic one that was molded to her finger and just the top joint. She is to wear it all times and even can wear it to play. If she can't though she is to tape her 2 fingers together like she has been doing. I really wish I had pictures. I will take some and post them tomorrow. When we got out of there she just smiled and said I CAN BREATHE...she said she felt like she has been holding her breath for DAYS! When she returned to school a friend of hers saw her finger and said HEY I have one of those, too. He said the exact thing happened to him at football this season and he refused surgery also. He showed her his finger and the nail was weird and he had a slight bump. He told her it looked exactly like hers and has gone down a lot. So that made her feel better. This morning a friend of hers also told her that her dad knew someone who broke the top joint of his finger when he was a teenager and 20 years later it became dead and had to be amputated. We told the doctor this and he said that will never happen. He said don't listen to stories like that. Everyone wants to top it with something very dramatic!! So we all can just breath now! Thank goodness!! It was such a stressful week...all over one little finger!

Major PROBLEM...

I have a MAJOR problem and am trying to figure out what to do. Hillary has lived and breathed sports since she was little. She always had a ball in her hand since she could walk. She has always been so active going from one sport to the next. This year she decided to drop out of volleyball and concentrate on basketball and softball. It was so strange not to be going to a sporting even but SO nice. She worked her butt off in the off season and secured a spot on Varsity basketball. As a junior she should have been there already but because of 10 seniors this year she thought she would only play JV. She was the only junior out of 4 to make Varsity. So about 3 weeks ago she came home and showed me her finger. She said the ball came down on it. I wanted to take her to the ER but she said no. The coach told her to soak it and put ice on it and it would be okay. I wanted to take her but she said what can they do for a finger. I let it go. Then after a scrimmage she said she really needed to have it looked at. So we went. The doctor at the out patient took one look at it and said its broken. X-rays showed a fracture. He told her to take 2 weeks off. She said no wait... what else can I do. He was really rude to her and very condescending so we left. They gave her a splint and told her to leave it on. So she would take it off and wrap her fingers together and play and put it back on. I decided to take her to an orthopedic doctor who specialized in sports. We went there and they said its fractured at the joint and growth plates. The told her she was done with basketball for the season and she possibly needed surgery. She just started crying. When we left she said she is not having that surgery. She looked broken. I know if she does this she will just be broken. I know sounds stupid..its just a game ..but when you are 16 1/2 and have worked 1/2 your life for this moment I know where she is coming from. We are going back on Monday. She wants to keep playing and wants more options. They told her that she could have a stiff finger for the rest of her life, it could be deformed, it could stop growing. This is the 4th finger, top joint of her right hand. She is left handed. She said she would give up softball if she had to and run track but she is not giving up basketball. At what point of your child's life do you step back and thing about what it was like at that age. When do you give them adult decisions. Dan said to let her make the decision. He said she is almost 17 years old and is a very smart young woman. She isn't a child... yet she is! I have tried to tell her that in the grand scheme of life ..this is just a sliver and she has her whole life ahead of her. But it is just a finger! Dan said if at 45 he wished just his one finger hurt...he said he hurts all over some days. She has such a good head on her shoulders. I don't want to squash this dream. The nurse said to me...what if she can't hold her babies because you didn't take proper care of this. That about choked me up... Hillary said... I have 9 other fingers and I think I would be okay... always the voice of reason. Twenty years ago I don't ever or even 10 years ago..i have NEVER heard of anyone having surgery on a broken finger. We will go in there on Monday with an open mind but I know my daughter. She is very adamant about what she wants in life. She wants to play basketball! She wants her name on that board...she wants to be a CAREY BLUE LADY DEVIL!!! PS... I forgot to mention...she has already played in 3 JV games and 2 Varsity. She hasn't scored in Varsity but... first JV... 8 pts.. 2nd Jv game... 10 pts... 3rd JV game.... 10 pts...and its ALL with a broken finger!!

Let's get started...FINALLY

So I have had this blog for quite awhile but have never posted anything. I just didn't know how to get started. I don't even know if anyone will read it. I don't lead the most interesting life. My life is really my children. I am Hillary and Ethan's mom.... hence..HEmom! Its not the most glamorous job nor do I get the respect that I DESERVE but I would never trade this job for anything else.

Hillary is 16 1/2. She was my preemie at 32 weeks and 4 lbs 14 oz. I was so young and I feel like we have grown up together. She has become such a wonderful young lady. Its sad that its almost the end of my "mothering" her. She is involved in basketball and softball. She loves her sports. She has such drive and passion. She is a 4.0 student and first in her class. Did I mention that she is deaf in one ear? She has over come so much in her life! She also is involved in DECA and is really good at it. Her and I have such different personalities which really works out well for us. She is laid back and a thinker. She is thinking about colleges and what she wants to do with her life. Right now she wants to teach and coach. She was leaning toward history but last night she said she thinks she would make a good math teacher...which will be great because by the time she finishes college Ethan will be entering high school. He can have his own personal tutor. She is the perfect balance of tomboy and princess.

Ethan is my baby! He is 8 and in 2nd grade. He was also a preemie but while Hillary was so tiny ..Ethan was huge. You woudn't even know it now...so tall and skinny. I like to tell him the story that only God knew I needed a little boy. I thought I only wanted one and I could never love another baby. Was I ever wrong! While I love them in different ways I love him so much! He is just like me! Scary! We have the same personality. We clash because we have such tempers but I also get him. When he is mad he needs to BLOW and then he is okay. He is my sensitive one. He cries because I cry...he is going to be the best boyfriend if we train him RIGHT! He also makes me laugh like NO other. He just has that sense of humor that makes everyone brighten up. He is involved in boy scouts, basketball and coach pitch. He doesn't really LOVE sports like Hillary but he tries so hard. I think he does it to make everyone else happy around him. He really loves his video games. He would sit and play for hours. He is very smart, too but doesn't want anyone to really know it. He would rather talk to his friends and socialize than get busy with his work. He is just a great kid! Right now he is the same age as Hillary was when I had him. That doesn't seem right! He is growing up way to fast and that scares me. I don't want to be alone and then be known as nothing.

I may not have the most exciting life but these kids make me very happy. I love to watch Hillary play basketball and I love to sit and talk to Ethan about anything. He use to be MAMA's boy but I see him now spending more and more time with Dan. Its okay. Every child needs their dad. I am sorry that Hillary doesn't have that... or he chose not to have that with her..he missed out on something wonderful! I am excited about my blog! I had a blog on myspace. I wish I could bring that over here! There was some really funny posts in there! I am happy to be HEMOM4ever!! Its the the one thing I can truly say that I am great at!!